Saturday, 23 May 2009

wow, its been a bit hectic but here's my story

I can't beleive how long it is since I last posted - the time has flown by so quickly and Ive been exhausted - this could be a long one whilst I explain everything so I suggest if you are considering reading it all that a strong coffee might be in order (firstly so you have your 'cuppa' and secondly to probably keep you awake whilst I waffle on)

OK, I will start at the beginning:
When I had Callam I suffered with post natal depresison and had I gone to the docs sooner I probably could have saved myself a lot of trauma (Oh don't you just love hindsight?) but did I go to the docs as soon as I realised what it was? Of course I didnt, I did my ostritch impression and put my head in the sand hoping it would go away (all the while doing a bloody good job of hiding it from everybody - not the wisest thing to do)
When callam got to 6 months old I was really struggling to hide the depression and went onto seroxat, which worked for me (well kind of, at least I didn't sommit suicide which many on that particular drug have been known to do) for a while, then it stopped working and I changed medication - this happened quite a few times over the years.
When Callam started nursery I went back downhill and was a mess and didn't want to go out of the house, answering the telephone sent me into a panic and I spent the whole summer (pretty much) in the house and the anxiety set in (Oh fun times!!)
I eventually (with the help from my wonderful health visitor) got a CPN who has worked with me for the last few years (Callam is 10 now) and have slowly (Oh so very slowly) progressed - the mild agorophobia is almost (I did say almost because it is still lurking in the back of my mind) gone and I still suffer with anxiety and panic attacks but am completely off all my medication (at my very worst I was on diazepam alongside my antidepressant, reboxetine)
The wedding stationery has been a bit of a diversion, something to do, but meeting with brides was difficult because of the way my anxiety is I have no confidence with people I don't know when I am face to face (or on the telephone) - this obstacle has caused a few problems to the extent that I am unsure if I will do any more wedding stationery (I am keeping my website for the time being until I decided one way or the other)

Anyway my Husband (who has been wonderful throughout my illness) got me a voluntary position at his place of employment and after notifying the benefits agency (yes I have been on incapacity - but everything has been declared - I don't sleep particularly well most nights and if I was to do anything that is not allowed I would have even more anxiety) I have been doing a couple of short days in the office - admin work (filing, checking forms, etc - no telephone answering as I'm still not comfortable on the phone) for the last few weeks.

I have been offered a proper job with the company and I didn't have to have an interview (which was the only thing stopping me from applying for anything. The best way to explain it is to get you to think about how nervous you are for a job interview ... you got that feeling?? well that is how I feel on a trip to the supermarket - so unless you have anxiety you won't have experienced the shock to the system that an interview would do - everything is exhausting and the fact that I sleep so badly doesnt help - thats the short explanation.) .... anyway, back to the good news. I have been offered a proper job with good pay (more than I had dared to hope for) and I am starting properly in a couple of weeks time. I am expecting to be even more tired than I am just doing a few hours two or three times a week but I can't wait to come off the benefits.

You still reading this?? wow, well done to you and thanks for 'listening'

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